Daley Ponderings

I think you are right that marriage is becoming less and less meaningful these days. People seem to think of marriage as just a very-committed relationship. When you are in a very committed relationship then the next step is to get married. I think this approach misses what marriage is really supposed to be about. Marriage is supposed to be an INSEPARABLE union where two people become one person. This is shown symbolically by taking the same last name and such things.

Marriage is when two people commit to give their lives to each other for the rest of their lives. The love that makes marriage work is not a feeling of love. If it was, then feelings come and go and so would marriage. Marriage love is a DECISION to value the other person as highly as yourself. So if something is wrong with them then you work on fixing it as much as you would if it was yourself.

But people don't think this way. People think you get married just because you are in love (feeling). Then the feeling goes away for a time (because of stress at work or concerns with children or whatever) and people decide they made a mistake and get divorced. Many times they try to work things out but because their view of marriage is based on feelings unless those "in love" feelings come back soon they despair and decide their marriage is hopeless.

I was thinking about love feelings recently and I realized that when you are in love you can be completely selfish and think you are being so loving. See, when you are in love then these feelings make you want to do nice things for the other person. The feelings make beautiful words flow from your mouth. The feelings make you sweet and kind and giving to the other person. But you aren't really doing it for the other person - you are doing it because it makes you feel good!

BUT that is not true love! Love is self-giving. That is, when it does not benefit yourself and only the other person you still do it. Say your loved one is sad. If you have no feelings for them at the moment then you might not feel like sitting down and talking with them about their problems. You might want to watch TV or a movie or do something fun. It's what you do when you don't feel like it that shows what you really are - selfish or self-giving.

So I think people should not marry until they are both willing to commit to never divorcing each other. That is, to never give up on each other. Then the wedding vows like "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" mean something. And if such a view makes you put off marrying - well, I think that's better. It's better for marriage to be honored by all and for lesser commitments to be easily seen as less.

Now, once you do have a marriage like that then the difference is night and day. Suddenly, you have stability. A wife is no longer afraid of her husband leaving her for someone younger/prettier as she gets older. Hopefully more true conversation goes on since no one is scared the other will leave them. And children can grow up happily secure in their parents' love. Mommy and Daddy will always be there as a shelter from the storms of life.

And then again, it is that decision kind of self-giving love that makes everything work. There's no adultery because both spouses know that it's not in the best interest of the other. Screaming and anger stop because both realize that behavior just makes people sad and scared and doesn't help anything. (If you think about it, angry outbursts are really just to make you feel better - not to fix anything.)

And to really be unselfish you need God. I NEED God to make me a good man in my marriage and with my children. So marriage is hard but it is also VERY rewarding. The first years of my marriage were very hard in many ways (I HAD to get OUT everyday and take a walk and cry out to God to HELP me) but God brought me through and now I am in some of the richest days of my marriage life (7 and a half years old now).

There's a quote I really like: "All noble things are difficult." See, it's noble/heroic because it's difficult. If it was easy then anybody would do it. But because it's hard then that's why nobody's doing it. See, in life, we are frequently given a choice between the "easy beginning/hard end" and the "hard beginning/easy end". If we are lazy or scared we take the easy way only to find it ends REALLY hard. But if we are courageous and take the hard way we will find there's a beautiful life there if we will fight for it.

Now, I don't want to say that I have a perfect marriage or that I am always loving and never selfish. That is my goal but just yesterday my wife was down and depressed and I elected to avoid her and not deal with the un-fun problems there. Not good - I'm aiming to be braver from now on.

Well, that's probably long enough, :)
May God bless you all and give you LIFE,
-John